


And They Were Roommates

by OriginalWeird



Category: N.E.R.D.S. - Michael Buckley
Genre: a collection of incorrect quotes pretends to be a story, roommates au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29702787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OriginalWeird/pseuds/OriginalWeird
Summary: oh my god they were roommates
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

They're seventeen when Jackson Jones first comes up with the idea.

"What if we get an apartment together in college?"

Ruby Peet adjusted her glasses.

"All of us?"

Heathcliff Hodges nodded along.

"It would have to be a pretty big apartment. I don't know whether we'd be able to afford it. Why wouldn't we just live on campus?"

"I don't know. You could, if you wanted to be left out of the totally awesome experience that would be living with all your best friends and totally doing crazy, wild, super-fun stuff like, every single day."

"It probably would not actually work like that."

"Don't rain on my parade, Ruby."

"I think it sounds cool!"

Julio Escala was talking around a mouthful of marshmallows, but they could all decipher it just fine.

"See? Julio agrees with me."

"I don't like quiet houses. Or strangers. It could be cool."

"Matilda also agrees with me!"

"It could be fun!"

"And that's Duncan! Four against two."

"Are you peer-pressuring us into buying an apartment with you?"

"Is it working?"

__

ROOMMATES!

Ruby: I found a listing at a reasonable price. It has three bedrooms but only one bathroom. It is fairly close to the city centre and the universities we have chosen. I believe it would be a good choice. A more through briefing has been emailed to each of you.

Bond With Braces: thats great news but ur chat name is just so boring

Hodges: What's wrong with it?

Bond With Braces: and heaths is even worse

Asthmatic Assassin: Im just gonna say I trust Ruby

Spidernerd: It sounds good!

Hodges: What's wrong with my name

Bond With Braces: u actively changed ur chat name

Bond With Braces: and u left it as ur last name

Asthmatic Assassin: You got your braces off a month ago

Bond With Braces: theyre with me in spirit

ALL CAPS: GUYS THE APARTMENT RUBY FOUND IS RIGHT NEXT TO A BAKERY!!!

ALL CAPS: WHEN CAN WE MOVE IN??

ALL CAPS: BECAUSE I HOPE ITS SOON IT LOOKS AWESOME!!!!!

Hodges: I like my last name

Bond With Braces: fair but like

Bond With Braces: chat names should be creative territory

Bond With Braces: yknow

Ruby: No.

Hodges: No

__

"Matilda. Seriously. You have to carry one thing up the stairs."

"Ruby. Please consider. If I carry no things up the stairs, then I can call dibs on a room first."

"…Okay, new rule."

Matilda let out a particularly exasperated sigh that only got a little wheezy at the very end. Ruby adjusted the box she was holding, which was labelled, in very neat writing 'Ruby's Books'. It was one of six with the same label.

"Ruby, if you honestly try to tell me that I've simply got to carry something up the stairs-"

"No-one claims a room until everything is in our apartment."

"Oh, come on!"

Heathcliff was ill-advisedly attempting to balance two boxes on his back. The larger one ('comic books, bad') almost fell when he half-jolted at Matilda's yell. The smaller one ('comic books, good'), actually did. Ruby jumped out of the way of said smaller box, largely unbothered.

"I'm completely serious."

During the silent staring contest that followed, it was possible to hear Jackson swearing as the couch he and Julio were carrying up the stairs fell on his foot.

For the third time. 

The two of them were a few floors up, which was a credit to how loudly Jackson was swearing. Did their neighbours hate them yet?

"Okay, I've got to carry something that belongs in our apartment up the stairs?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I-Ah."

Matilda's smirk couldn't have been any more smug if she'd tried to make it so.

"Very smart, Matilda."

Duncan, who had just been scooped into Matilda's arms, shrugged at Ruby.

"I'm carrying a box, does that count for something?"

'Kitchenware and sporks we stole from that dumpling place' was adjusted. Ruby waved them off.

"It'd be easier to just take a box, but I know you won't listen to reason."

"Nope! I'm proving a point!"

Matilda was utter glee. Ruby was deadpan to the extreme.

"Okay, off you go."

Ruby went to check the cars again. There was a box labelled 'weights and the statue my mom made me bring' somewhere, and she was going to hide it.  
__

ROOMMATES!

Ruby: Has anyone seen my laptop?

Bond With Braces: why do u need ur laptop

Hodges: I haven't, sorry

Spidernerd: It might still be with the carpet in the car?

Asthmatic Assassin: Everyone hurry up and get back here Im tired and I want to collopse dramatically onto my bed already

Ruby: It is collapse. You would be less tired if you chose to carry boxes instead of just carrying Duncan repeatedly up and down the stairs. Also, you have not yet chosen a bed.

Asthmatic Assassin: Thats my whole point

ALL CAPS: HEY DOES ANYONE WANT A DONUT BECAUSE IVE ALREADY BOUGHT TEN AND IF ANYONE ELSE WANTS SOME THEY SHOULD TELL ME NOW???

ALL CAPS: THIS IS A REALLY GOOD BAKERY IM ALSO GETTING CUPCAKES!!!

Ruby: I need my laptop because there is a list of all the boxes we will require on it. 

Asthmatic Assassin: We have everything except apparently the carpet

Hodges: I'm getting the carpet

Hodges: I found your laptop, Ruby

Ruby: Thank you.

Ruby: Also, please do not go overboard at the bakery.

ALL CAPS: ITS DEFINITELY TOO LATE FOR THAT!! ALSO IF WE BUY STUFF HERE REGULARLY ENOUGH THEYLL MAYBE START GIVING US DISCOUNTS!!!!!

Bond With Braces: i wouldnt count on it buddy

__

"Okay, so, after Matilda and Duncan get back with the box of weights and…a weird statue, that's everything?"

Ruby checked the list for a third time.

"That's everything."

There were exactly three seconds of perfect silence.

"You can start competing for the top bunk now."

Jackson and Julio ran for the bunk bed. There was exactly one, in the largest of the bedrooms. They reached it at the same time, turned to each other, and began an epic battle of scissors, paper, rock.

"Best out of three."

"Jackson, you've lost."

"Best out of three, come on."

Ruby carried one of her book-boxes into the smallest bedroom, balancing her desk-lamp on top of it. The bedroom barely fit the bed, bookshelf and desk, but she wouldn't have to share. Heathcliff hauled one of the comic book boxes onto the single bed in the largest bedroom.

"Best out of five!"

"You're going to lose."

"I didn't ask, Heathcliff! Best out of five!"

Matilda came back into the room, carrying Duncan again. He put the box on their kitchen table, which they'd already learned was exceptionally wobbly. Remarkably, nothing fell. 

"You guys started claiming rooms without me!"

"Well, the assignments were most likely going to end up like this anyway."

"Ruby, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Did anyone read my apartment briefing?"

"I read the bit about the bakery?"

"Best out of thirteen! Please!"

"Just check. It's that door."

Matilda practically knocked the door off its hinges, then stood almost alarmingly still in the hallway. Duncan joined her and also froze roughly three seconds later.

"Hey Ruby, what the hell is this?"

"A room."

"No, not-"

Matilda gestured, slightly overzealous. Ruby came to look in the room.

"Oh, yes, the queen bed."

"There's one bed in this room, Ruby."

"I said this in the briefing. Everyone agreed to the briefing. I assumed that meant you'd agreed to it."

"Best out of twenty-one! Come on! I can do this!"

"Statistically speaking, you can't."

"Heathcliff! Let me have this!"

"It makes sense that the only couple in our group of friends would take the room with the double bed."

"We've barely been dating for a year!"

Duncan sounded fairly panicked.

Jackson paused in his losing at scissors, paper, rock to join the conversation.

"Yeah, but you've been practically a couple since before we were even teenagers. You're basically married."

"We're…we are kids!"

"You're legal adults."

Julio faked retching, even as he took advantage of Jackson being distracted to throw his bag onto the top bunk.

"Don't remind me."

Ruby pushed her glasses up her nose.

"If it's that big of a problem, one of you can take the couch until I can get us more beds."

Duncan and Matilda spoke at exactly the same moment.

"I'll take the couch."

They then spun to look at each other and tried again.

"No, I'll take the couch."

Ruby left them to what would probably be several minutes of repeated jinxing.

"Okay, we're ordering pizza, right?"

"Dibs not having to call!"

"Yeah, make Heathcliff do it!"

"Heathcliff Fredrick Hodges, the people have spoken. Order us pizza."

"Jackson, stop presenting the phone to me like it's a semi-mythical object."

"Do you think they do dessert pizza?"

__

Hi, yeah, I'm calling to order uh…three…not three? Five…seven pizzas? That's unreasonable, Julio, I'm not getting us seven pizzas. Four pizzas. I'm ordering four pizzas. Yes, four. Sorry, my friend's trying to-we will not eat seven pizzas. You had four cupcakes already! We're going to have to put a lock on our fridge. No, I'm sorry. I'll just be…Okay. One pepperoni, one…okay, meatlovers, fine, Jackson. No, I don't think they'll put glue on a pizza. Don't ask Duncan if that's what he wants, they're still having the same conversation. Sorry, could you give me just one second? If you want to be useful, stop suggesting pizzas and put Duncan and Matilda's things in their room for them. No, I don't think they'll notice. Yep. Okay, do you do gluten-free pizzas? Great, okay. A gluten-free base and a…hey, Ruby, what did you want again? No, I wanted Hawaiian, but we're not getting that many, so I'll just have the other ones…Jackson, we're not having the fight about pineapple again. What? Oh, you're right. Could you give the pepperoni one the gluten-free base? And a Hawaiian pizza. Okay, do you guys do dessert pizzas? Great! One of those with all the toppings. All the dessert toppings. No, not cheese-"

__

"Thank you!"

Julio swung the door shut and slammed the pizza boxes onto the table, which swayed like a ship in a storm. 

"That pizza guy was sort of cute."

"He was? Dammit, I didn't-"

"Not that cute, Jackson."

Jackson stepped away from the window and pulled the top half of his body back into the apartment. Ruby opened the first box. Matilda stomped her way into the kitchen. Duncan followed her.

"You're too chivalrous for your own good, you know."

Duncan smiled but didn't answer her. 

"Good news, everyone!"

Everyone turned to look at Julio, currently sitting on the couch. He'd just snatched his pizza box off the cushions, and was holding it above his head with one hand as he shuffled backwards. 

"I just got chocolate on this couch, and as such I'm pretty sure nobody will be sleeping on it."

Most of the group went for the couch, to see the damage. Ruby went to find the box of cleaning supplies. There was one here somewhere, but she was pretty sure they'd labelled it something stupid. 

"How'd you even get that much-was there even that much chocolate on your pizza?"

"I'm a miracle worker."

"You're a nuisance."

"Why, thank you."

Ah. Here we go. The box that contained everything was labelled 'bubbles'. She wasn't sure who had done that.

"Hey do we have…any knives?"

"Matilda, I hope you're cutting pizza."

"I wouldn't harm my friends probably!"

__

Ruby Peet's Shopping List  
-Bread  
-Butter (Margarine?)  
-Ham  
-Cheese  
-Lettuce  
-Tomatoes  
-Cucumber  
-Eggs  
-Orange Juice  
-Mince  
-Frozen Vegetables (Mixed)  
-Hamburger Buns  
-Milk  
-Frozen Pizzas  
-Frozen Meals (Research Options, Also Ask Friends)  
-Mac and Cheese  
-Cereal (Two Types, Ask Friends)  
-Jam  
-Blueberries  
-Apples  
-Bananas  
-Flour  
-Pancake Mix (Research If Cheaper To Make Pancakes From Scratch)  
-Allergy Medication  
-Toilet Paper

Everyone Else's Shopping List  
-Chocolate Biscuits  
-A Second, Slightly Different Kind Of Chocolate Biscuits  
-Chocolate  
-Marshmallows  
-Chocolate Chip Cookies  
-What Do You Mean I Can Only Pick Three Types Of Candy  
-What Do You Mean Cookies Count As A Type Of Candy  
-Glue  
-A Very Small Screwdriver   
-Energy Drinks  
-Circus Peanuts  
-Hair Gel  
-Some Cool Sunglasses You Know Ruby The Mirrored Ones That Cool Guys Wear When They're Walking Away From Explosions In Movies Yes I'm Aware This Is A List Of Essentials These Are Very Essential In Fact They're The Most Essential No Please Come Back I Also Need Other Things Ruby Please

__

"So, I'm going to turn in. Goodnight, everyone."

Ruby muttered a goodnight to Heathcliff, going over her list of groceries. Jackson turned off the TV, ending some generic-seeming sitcom's obnoxious laugh track, and followed somewhat sluggishly, muttering. Julio, halfway through a dessert pizza's dessert, brightly spluttered something. Duncan, sitting next to him, cheerily wished sweet dreams before launching back into something-or-other about jetpacks. Matilda, who had her entire upper body submerged in one of the larger cardboard boxes at that exact moment, may have said something, but she was muffled. 

Ruby was the last one to get into bed the first night. She hadn't intended to be up late, but there was a lot to do and they really should have spent more time unpacking, honestly. Tomorrow, they'd have to go get the groceries. Should she go by herself? No, that would probably result in having to touch foods she was allergic to. Should she bring everyone? Was that likely to get them banned from the nearest grocery store?

Oh, well. That would all have to be a problem for tomorrow Ruby. 

For right now, she flipped the switch and plunged a still-unfamiliar common area into darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ooh, I'll bet you five bucks that-"

"No betting on your friends, Jackson."

"Come on, Ruby! They're still not up! Julio's had four pieces of toast!"

"That barely takes a minute. It isn't something you should measure a unit of time with."

Julio spluttered around a mouthful of crumbs.

"She's right."

"Heath, please?"

"I'm not betting anything on Matilda and Duncan."

"If I have to go in and wake them up, I want to get money from it."

"Then get a job. They need to be awake, we're spending all day unpacking."

"There's such a high likelihood something will get thrown at my head."

Julio spoke again, slightly less spluttery.

"From a job?"

"No, from waking them up."

"You agreed to live in the same apartment as Matilda Choi."

"You think she'll hyphenate it?"

"What?"

"When they get married. Like, Choi-Dewey."

"…Our friends are not engaged."

"Well, not yet, but-"

"Okay, I will put five bucks on…cuddled together in a disgustingly innocent way."

"Yes! Okay, everyone else has to place bets because if you don't I'm not going to unpack anything!"

"Is that blackmail?"

"Yeah, but like. Really low-key blackmail."

Jackson, sullen, marched back into the room three minutes later and handed Ruby five dollars. She, as if she'd just proven something very important, smiled.

"Are you going to make more bets on your friends?"

"Yeah. Totally. Me and Julio have this fifty-dollar one where if-"

__

The Things Currently On Our Fridge

1\. Shopping list (Ruby made two copies?)  
2\. Like twenty dumb magnets because of that month we bought a gimmicky tourist magnet every time we were on a mission somewhere  
3\. A picture of us at graduation because Julio accidentally made two copies and couldn't put one in his scrapbook  
4\. The remote control (I don't know how you attached it but I hope it isn't broken)  
5\. Like thirty receipts (who bought receipts with us when we moved? Why did you do that? Take them off our fridge?)  
6\. This list that I made instead of trying to help the rest of you unpack

__

Ruby had planned to go shopping by herself, and bring a pair of gloves in order to deal with buying some of the things on her list.

This had not gone over well.

"What, Ruby, do you not trust us?"

"Of course she doesn't trust us, Jackson, have you met us?"

"Matilda, I'm plenty trustworthy! I'll be vouched for. Heath, buddy, pal-"

"Nope."

"Oh, come on!"

Ruby, who, by this point, had had her head in her hands for three minutes, waved her arms around for silence.

"Okay, anyone who wants to come should feel free to."

Jackson lit up.

"Provided they behave sensibly and don't do anything that could get us potentially banned or stared at."

Jackson's face fell. Just slightly.

Ruby was now walking with Jackson and Heathcliff, who had decided he was coming along roughly thirty seconds before they'd made it out the door, which had been an ordeal in and of itself. Ruby had not previously known Jackson had a rule about being the best-looking person in a grocery store. 

The 'walking' bit had also caused a problem, but it was only a few blocks, regardless of what Jackson was saying about his hair. 

"Hey, Ruby?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you own a little-old-lady shopping trolley?"

Ruby glanced back at the trolley she was dragging behind her. Little-old-lady?

"It is practical."

"Did your grandma hand it down to you?"

Ruby went quiet. The boys made an effort not to snicker too noticeably.

"So, to clarify-"

Ruby glanced back at Heathcliff.

"-we can't get more than two bags of circus peanuts?"

"I think I said one."

"Darn."

One.

Two.

Three.

"So. Two bags?"

"Heathcliff."

"Jackson wants to buy the entire stock of hair gel!"

"Three isn't the entire stock!"

"You haven't seen this store. It could be."

"That's unlikely."

"Hey Ruby, why isn't peanut butter on the list?"

"I'm severely allergic. I could die."

"Oh."

Another three steps.

"What am I supposed to have on toast, then?"

Jackson was punched in the shoulder. 

"Hey!"

Ruby stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk. The two boys walking behind her did not cartoonishly bump into her, to their credit, but they may have stumbled.

"This one."

__

ROOMMATES!

Bond Without Braces: grocery store haunted

Asthmatic Assassin: Wait what

__

"Jackson, put your phone down."

"Ruby, it is very creepy in here and our friends need to know where we are if we get murdered."

"They know where we went."

"But do they KNOW?"

Ruby shook her head at Jackson, who did not put his phone down.

"Now you're just looking at memes."

"This one's about ghosts!"

Heathcliff came back to where they were standing, holding a head of lettuce and looking exceptionally confused.

"It was, in fact, in with the ice cream."

Ruby didn't question this. 

"This is the least organised store I've ever been in. I think I'm allergic to it."

"I don't think that's how it works."

"No, I'm definitely allergic to disorg-oh. Right."

Jackson put his phone back into his pocket and turned his attention to the nearest shelf.

"Hey, guys, there's a mirror here!"

"We've lost Narcissus."

Ruby snorted.

"Heathcliff, I don't know what you mean but I'm pretty sure you're making fun of me because Ruby laughed, so go to hell."

"I can't, you'd all be too lonely. Also, I would never be anything but nice to my best friend."

Jackson still couldn't comprehend when Heathcliff was and wasn't being sarcastic.

"Oh, cool."

Jackson slicked his hair back and moved the hand mirror about, checking his hair from every angle.

"Can we get this mirror?"

"Non-essential-"

__

ROOMMATES!

Asthmatic Assassin: Seriously why arent you answering me

Asthmatic Assassin: Guys

Asthmatic Assassin: For every minute I go unanswered a hostage dies

Asthmatic Assassin: To clarify 

Asthmatic Assassin: I steal another of your belonging and hide it somewhere unconventional

Asthmatic Assassin: I will start with left shoes

ALL CAPS: HEY MAT CAN YOU GET ME A SPOON???

Asthmatic Assassin: You are right down the hall

Asthmatic Assassin: Either yell or get it yourself

ALL CAPS: I WONT!!

Spidernerd: Buddy you could definitely get your own spoon

ALL CAPS: PHYSICALLY YES!!

ALL CAPS: EMOTIONALLY NO!!!

Spidernerd: …are you okay?

ALL CAPS: IVE GOTTEN A LOT OF CRUMBS IN HEATHCLIFFS BED IM PREPARING FOR MY DEATH!

Asthmatic Assassin: …and youre not in your own bed because

ALL CAPS: I DONT WANNA GET CRUMBS IN MY OWN BED MAT??!

Asthmatic Assassin: If anyone needs me Ill be hiding in the empty wardrobe in my room not unpacking

Asthmatic Assassin: Nobody need me ever again

Spidernerd: :(

Asthmatic Assassin: Okay one exception

Spidernerd: :)

ALL CAPS: IF EVERYONE ELSE WAS HERE THEYD GET ME A SPOON!

ALL CAPS: THREE SPOONS!!!

ALL CAPS: I WOULD BE SPOON ROYALTY!!!!!

Spidernerd: …

ALL CAPS: THANKS DUNCAN!!!!!!!

Spidernerd: You're welcome

ALL CAPS: NOW

ALL CAPS: ON TO MY ESCAPE TUNNEL!!

__

"Thank you so much."

"Have a nice day!"

The smile dropped from Ruby's face the second she got out the door.

"I know who put the circus peanuts in, but which one of you found three jars of mayonnaise?"

"I thought it was hair gel!"

"The fridge magnets?"

"That was me, actually. I thought they might be useful."

"The embroidery thread?"

"Nope."

"I actually didn't do that."

Jackson gasped, slapping his hands to the side of his face.

"The ghosts!"

"There were no ghosts."

Ruby scoffed, striding ahead as best she could while dragging a little-old-lady shopping trolley. Jackson practically leaped to keep up.

"You saw how much those lights were flickering."

Heathcliff, a few steps behind, almost shouted.

"You saw how old that place was!"

Ruby nodded, trying to get her quickly unravelling hair tucked behind her ears. It was a lot windier than it had been when they'd left the house.

"It was also clearly understaffed and not well-maintained. We'll have to find somewhere else."

"No, we're doing our shopping there until I prove to you that there's ghosts!"

"I'm not getting groceries there until the end of time."

"I agree with Heathcliff."

"Guys, this is unfair. You're totally disrespecting the ghosts. No, don't roll your eyes at me!"

__

ROOMMATES!

Asthmatic Assassin: Brand and Viktoriya want to call

Asthmatic Assassin: Not right now

Asthmatic Assassin: In like

Asthmatic Assassin: Five minutes

Asthmatic Assassin: I told em yeah

Ruby: Matilda!

Ruby: We cannot get there that fast

Ruby: We will have to run

Bond Without Braces: oh she missed puncuatons u fricked up now

__

"Hi Brand!"

"Hello, rugrats."

The video was grainy. The technology you had access to as a former secret agent wasn't as good as the technology you had access to as an active secret agent, but you could still see Viktoriya Brand swat at her husband's shoulder as he tried exceptionally hard to look as serious as humanly possible.

"They're adults now, Alex."

Julio fake-retched overdramatically and almost actually made himself sick.

"You don't have to do that every time."

"Yes I do, Ruby."

"You break anything yet? Fight any neighbours?"

"Sadly, no."

"What a disappointment."

Matilda was no longer in frame, now walking very quickly towards the kitchen. Duncan jumped up after her. Brand awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Tell Wheezer I was kidding."

"HEY WHEEZER HE WAS KIDDING!"

"I HEARD HIM JULIO!"

"STOP YELLING WHILE WE'RE IN THE SAME ROOM!"

"So, are you settling in well?"

"Eh. I don't have any hair gel."

"Why not?"

"I accidentally bought mayonnaise."

"…A common mistake?"

"First time I've made it."

Viktoriya Brand nodded as if she understood everything perfectly. Brand, completely deadpan, asked another question.

"Do your neighbours hate you yet?"

"Oh, absolutely-"


End file.
